X’s usual response to the word “fashion” is to turn his head to one side, hock up an oyster, spit it out onto the ground, and say “you were saying?”

X is no slave to fashion. X wears shorts, blue jeans, tennis shoes, cowboy boots, and white crew socks with a T-shirt that could be red, black, white, baby blue, green, faded with holes, worn out collars, with or without pockets, sometimes with lewd comments on them.  He has been known to wear combat boots with shorts. He wears beat up gimme caps and a floppy Panama Jack hat. He doesn’t care. He would wear overalls but the wife won’t let him…at least while she’s around. He wears what he deems comfortable, and what else is there?

X buys all his socks the white crew length so he won’t have to match them, being color blind and all.

X doesn’t wear any jewelry say for a wedding band (that has been cut off by doctor’s orders suspecting an allergy to gold beside X’s fat finger swelling to the point where he could no longer remove it at will). X almost lost his finger once working on a copier when his wedding band got stuck on a protruding screw. He wears a watch from time to time.

X’s hair is so thin that he now gets a what is called a point five at the barber. Quick cut, quick wash and go. X’s beard is longer than his topknot. No combs. No brushes. X had shoulder length blonde hair back in the summer of ’73. Yes, the long hair is more work and requires more attention than the buzzcut wash ‘n go.

So X doesn’t understand ladies fashion these days…Shoes, I mean c’mon! What the hell is this? Those thick ass soled high heels? They look ridiculous! And that is X’s opinion.

They can’t be comfortable…

and this…’course, she ain’t walkin’ on them either…thanks bubba. I could not crop out the buenas…a mysterious force stopped me….

and this? combat heels?

Piercings…navel with what, diamonds? Labia piercings? why? it’s hard enough to get in there as it is for us guys, why make it more difficult? tongue? sounds like extra work in the maintenance dept, as are the rest. We never hear about the infections that ensue after said piercings.

I know the ladies love to paint their nails. I seen some ridiculously and unnecessarily long nails. Now they do different colors with sprinkles on them. WTF?

X once saw, when he was a youngster, at the Oklahoma state fair in ’65 a woman Barbie Doll showing travel trailers. Her nails went several inches past the ends of her fingers. Being a lad of 9, X didn’t think about practicality, but now he asks himself: how does she wipe her ass? What about digging for gold in the old schnozolla? Using eating utensils? Cooking? Personal grooming? She had too much hair spray on a lot of platinum blond hair. So much makeup around her eyes that her crows feet had crows feet. Smoking a cigarette, wearing orange slacks.

Yes, X still remembers that visit to the travel trailer exhibit. Looking for my happy place now…

Pastel colors are now in as well. X criticizes those less than others. X prefers nails as long as their fingers; maybe slightly longer and painted to their heart’s content.

Thumb rings; ridiculous.

Toe rings; ridiculous.

A ring on every finger is too much, I don’t care how much money you have.

8 ear piercings; ridiculous.

Many unfortunate ladies have the Royal toe where the 2nd toe is longer than the big toe. What they paint them to cover it up? Wear shoes. It is not gender discriminatory either. I seen ladies with hammertoe as well. That’s gross. They have no choice but to wear open toed shoes…or paper bags over them. Shudder.

X used to repair IBM typewriters back in the 80s. He saw many a typewriter keyboard used by ladies with long nails that had grooves worn into the keytops.

He also noticed that from time to time, a woman would have an affliction that X deemed “ugly thumb”. X never asked the poor unfortunate what was wrong or even for a closer look, so as not to offend.

The affliction could be something with the thumbnail as it would often be sharpened/groomed to a stiletto point.

Any woman who can get French nail pedicure, has too much money.

X’s stepdaughter bites her nails to the nubs. She orders fake super glue on nails from China, then paints them black; or dark purple; with sprinkles.


X spent many hours in banks in the eighties and decided that bank tellers are some of the most competitive ladies in the fashion world when it comes to “outdoing” the others. Man, I’m telling ya, makeup, lipstick, shoes, heels, short skirts, low cut blouses, painted nails, perfume, tight sweaters, anything goes. X misses those days.

X has been around ladies that wear so much perfume that it made his eyes water.

X’s wife likes Chanel No. 5. It’s pricey, and not unpleasant if the right amount is applied. Some ladies like to bathe in perfume; one can smell them around the corner, and their scent lingers long after they’re gone.

Some perfumes are very nice, while others are a bit harsh. I read that body chemistry has a lot to do with how perfumes react with various people.

X has seen ladies with so much face paint on that they look like a porcelain doll. Too much man. It would seem that a friend would tell them.

Hair styles? Do you guys know what a gal pays for having highlights in her hair? Starting at $150.

X’s stepdaughter once died her hair blue. What the fuck is that about?

Fashion? or peer pressure?

Someone recently posted a comment saying something to the effect of “if you look under the hood, kick the tires, and the paint is good, don’t mess with it.”

Some of the most beautiful women X has known didn’t wear makeup or fix their hair. A freshly showered woman with a touch of lipstick and a pony tail go a long way in X’s book.

Save your money ladies. We guys are simpler than that and don’t require all that extra junk you think you need to be beautiful.

Simple is good.

X worked with a woman for several years who did her nails every single night. She used the glue on nails, and would just repolish them. She came to work once without her fake  nails, and X knew then why. She was a nail biter and her natural nails were ugly as hell.

The same with her toes. She had just ugly feet no matter how one looked at it, they were just ugly and she painted them as well. No Royal toe, just very odd how her toes didn’t fit inside a sandal.

Her daughter was the same way, but worse as she did not have a clue how to paint her nails. X once got busted looking at her feet, and recovered quickly by saying “nice shoes” which brought a big smile from the adult daughter. Nice save, X. Like I said, there was something strange about how their feet fit into sandals and their toes were trying to escape. Shudder…looking for happy place again…



Doctor Report…And Others

Next to the dentist, X’s least favorite activity is going to the doctor. Why? you may ask.

I have, in recent years enjoyed going to the doctor because, well they have been females for the past 15 years. I mean, what are the odds if she checks you for a hernia that you will have an erection? What do you think she would do? I dunno ’cause it never happened to me. If it did, she probably would  have sighed in disgust, tossing me a bottle of hand lotion as she left the room; the “assistant” looking back to peek as she closed the door with a smile.

Possible responses:

whaddaya want me to do with this?

ain’t you gonna help?

gimmee somethin’ to look at, baby!

I need a clean sock!

I can’t help it!

Why are you leaving?

This stuff makes me break out!

Does that mean the prostate exam is out?

More often than not, the doctor has an “assistant” with her during the exam, I figure to have a witness so the patient won’t falsely accuse the doctor of “improper touching” or something to that effect. Or perhaps to be on the lookout for the ever possible surprise erection.

My current doctors have not had “assistants” during the exam…why one and not others?

Back to the question; why? Because in the past couple years, every time I go, they find something else wrong and I get another medication.

So today, my A1C was down from 6.4 to 5.7. The doc was very pleased, and is hoping to see it continue to drop; along with the weight.

I took my BP checker and compared to theirs; almost exactly the same reading.

Blood sugar has remained at 120 at the lowest; once, and 184 the highest. I only check it a couple times a week as she prescribed. She did not seem worried about the blood sugar numbers at this time.

I suppose what it boils down to it that it’s up to me.

I picked up a new tire/wheel assembly for the lawn mower. I don’t know how, but the yard guy knocked the tire off the rim a while back and had a helluva time getting the bead to seat, and destroyed any airtight qualities that the rim had because he used a come-a-long cable to reseat it.. Never held air after that for more than a few hours.

I’ll mount the tire this afternoon, but he has since destroyed the blade engaging linkage somehow. I cannot see it from topside, so I’ll have to remove the deck, and look from under.

The stall in which I work on the mower is where I park my truck when the wife is here. She is due in tomorrow night, so I’ll have to remove the deck, then move the mower back to its stall to park my truck in there.

Unfortunately, my wife has gotten sick again, now with a URI. She waited until yesterday to go to the doc, and now she is flat on her back taking nebulizer treatments and antibiotics.

I had to toss a mini maglite today…yeah, it hurt. you know what I’m talkin’ about.

For some reason, this particular flashlight always had problems with the battery cap getting corroded then frozen. This last time, forget it. I put it in a vice with a pipe wrench, and no dice pal. I salvaged the lens, bulb, o-ring and reflector…don’t know what good it’ll do as I only have one other mini maglite. A couple of Helotex lights that one had the switch crap out. The LL Bean flashlights actually work really well, and are very bright. They use the lithium CR123 batts of which I have 50.

Another I have is some mini Crees; a single AA batt and very compact.

And another is a nicely bright one that uses a batt that is a 18650; comes with charger and several batteries. They’re the size of a AA but a little larger in general.

Of course the 2 D cell maglite LED versions and a 3 D cell converted to LED light are my faves; but not always real portable.

So my excuse to order another 18650 light for 6 bucks was a no brainer. This was advertised on another site for $29.99; buy one get one free…now how much would you pay?

I ran my tiller this afternoon trying to run it out of gas. It took a while to get going as it has not run since probably April. It ran kind of rough for a couple minutes, then was able to run it without the choke.

On the other hand, the dingdang chipper would not start. I about fell over after pulling on that cord. It’s a horizontal shaft Briggs that the chipper blade is directly attached to it. A cast iron flywheel on top of that makes it pure joy to pull start.

If you recall, I overhauled that carb this spring with new diaphram, carb to tank gasket, and air filter; after which it ran like a champ. I may have to get a new carb and tank…I did try.

Now Defunct Restaurants

Ahh yes. There’s nothing like the memory of an old timey drive-in burger stand.

A&W. Best root beer around and always brought heavy glass mugs on your tray. As I recall, not a bad variety of burgers either. I remember when I was a wee lad in small town Oklahoma the beat up drive-in where many “teenagers” hung out.

When I moved to south Texas, there was only an indoor restaurant. Six of us guys would go in and order a round of mugs, and stack them at the end of the table. Then we’d order another round.

This always got the manager to “be busy” close to us, so we wouldn’t walk out with any. My brother ended up with one.


Bonanza Steak House. Where I lived, this was a haven for what we called Winter Texans; retired folks from up north that came way south for the winter. Bargain prices on steak dinners with a discount for seniors. I rarely ate there as I knew a couple of clowns who worked there, and the horror stories about what they did with the frozen steaks…shudder. Makeshift field hockey. A frozen steak skitters across a ceramic tile floor very quickly.

Never ate at one of these, but we did have a Big Burger in same small Oklahoma town, with a similarly dressed boy. The owner was the scoutmaster of the local boy scout troop who also raised chinchillas on the side.

Who of us could forget Burger Chef and Jeff? 10 and 15 cent burgers. One could eat for less than a buck.

We had a Lum’s where I moved in ’69. I never cared for it much; even hot dogs steamed in beer didn’t appeal to me. My youngest brother seemed to like it. It didn’t last long. Pricey too.

Probably my favorite of all time in the seventies. Sambo’s was a great place to quell the raving munchies…all night long. The name came from the founders Sam Battistone and Newell Bohnet. It was always controversial, and it didn’t help that they used Little Black Sambo as their logo. Their controversy shut them down. The winter Texans (snowdiggers) where I was from began to order cups of hot water, which was free for their tea bags which they brought. They got all up at arms when Sambo’s began charging them a dime for a cup of hot water…Harumph!

I still remember emptying the smoke filled Studebaker of all the guys riding with me on Saturday night to fend off our hunger cravings.

A plateful of pancakes, some liquid refreshment, dessert, and back on the road again.

I ate only once at a HoJo’s that I recall in OKC when I was young. I must have not been impressed.

As I recall, Bennigan’s was one of the more affordable places to take a date.

Ditto for Steak and Ale

I didn’t see Mr Q on the list. It was huge in Texas in the early seventies as a direct competition to Burger Chef. The town I lived in didn’t even have a McDonald’s until ’73. Mr Q, Burger Chef, and Whataburger were huge competitors. Even Burger King didn’t get a store until late seventies.

After marriage, cook the damn steaks at  home.

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